I’ve received a blog post request, the brief is to start with the title:
“Have we listened to the women in our lives?”
However, because I’m a man and don’t listen, I’m steam rollering over that.
Let’s talk about M.E.N. instead
In the previous post we mentioned the Most Emotionally Needy.
Well, that sounds a bit off? We all know that men are very strong, not very emotional at all and also live on the beneficial side of the patriarchy. Our societies are dominated by men. Men have the better half of the bargain.
Okay, first off men aren’t very strong and often incredibly emotional.
Men kill themselves at an incredibly high rate, at least in global north countries.
Yet the patriarchy is very real. That’s undeniable. So it’s a problem of gratitude, right?
All those men who are dying by their own hand just need to recognise how lucky they are?
Well, everyone in the global north needs to acknowledge how lucky they are. And men being the most privileged of the genders need to acknowledge that the most. That’s true.
But anyway, are men emotionally needy? and if so, why when they’re so lucky?
humans
Did you know that the Hebrew word for Adam means human, not man? So the biblical god created a human first, then created Eve second, I think? I don’t know much more about it than that, except that Eve herself was predated by Lilith in the oral traditions that predated the bible.
Digression over.
We are all emotionally needy. Humans are social animals and the esteem and love of our peers is crucial to us. Our sociability is our one superpower.
Monkeys wank, giraffes bum each other, penguins are gay, whales sing, honey badgers escape, ravens talk, starlings gossip, bees dance (as a form of gossip), dogs surf the internet regularly (if the memes are to be believed). We’re not that unique.
We’re incredibly keyed in to how others think of us. Even billionaires, who hate to be mocked.
So what makes M.E.N.? Okay, I admit that it is an overstatement designed to emphasise that men are emotionally vulnerable too, and because they find it so hard to voice that, they are at an emotional deficit.
but men have it easier, they have less to complain about
That is true, depending on where on the pecking order you stand. Some mens are disadvantaged by disability, or racism, for example. Other mens (the white wealthy ones) do have it a lot easier in certain key respects - which is exactly how they end up in dominant positions, like being a CEO for example.
Men often have a feeling of ‘I deserve to be here, I deserve a voice’.
Whereas other genders such as women are taught that they don’t naturally deserve the limelight.
so men are basically all idiots, right?
I would say yes - in the sense that all humans are idiots - we’re nowhere near as clever as we think we are - we’re only really clever in aggregate, by collaborating on a mass scale.
But men shouldn’t complain when they have it so good?
Men could get better at listening and then get better at voicing their emotions in healthy ways.
Why don’t they?
Because the patriarchy isn’t the whole story - the fact that some people have much more than others - the way some people take from others (as in global north from the global south) - this is the bigger picture that the patriarchy is a big part of.
If we gave that up then we would also give up the patriarchy then men wouldn’t be pressured to be giant penises all the time then they could relax a lot more emotionally and could cry openly or express gaiety if they wanted to.
Dos and don’ts
- don’t tell anyone to man up
- tell them to woman up - develop empathy and class solidarity
- don’t listen to me, I’m a white man - speak to someone who knows what they’re talking about
so this whole blog post to tell us that we shouldn’t have listened to you but to someone else?
Yes
But to answer the question at the top - yes I have listened to the women in my lives. They told me about racism (many of them). They sold me about sexual violence (many of them) that they had experienced. Much of it utterly horrific, like really f*#ked up. They told me what its like to terminate a pregnancy (doesn’t feel great to say the least). They told me people don’t think they’re a woman. They told me about difficulties being heard or taken seriously.
And I’m a better person for it.
Ps. you can start here