This time we cover the other type of listening.
Y’know, a friend has some problems or is feeling low or something like that, and they need someone to listen.

Anyone who knows all this stuff already, sorry this is a ‘grannies sucking eggs’ post for you (whatever that means?!)
You can safely skip this one.

listening

I’m not sure exactly how or when it happened, but in recent years I figured out how to listen. Like all my best ideas it probably happened by accident.

Here’s how:

• use your ears
• don’t say anything except to acknowledge you heard
• that’s it!

I feel like a goddamn genius for discovering this - it’s incredibly effective, people say oh wow you’re so supportive, and its incredibly easy too!
[editors note: Daniel is not in fact a genius - not that there is such a thing anyway]

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bonus listening tips:

• don’t offer advice, or limit it to one or two choice morsels at the end of the convo. People usually already know the solutions. Which leads me to:
• if you’re eager to be helpful you can help the person uncover the solutions they already know. Do this by asking questions
• in fact, phrase all your contributions to the convo as questions. Also, keep this to a minimum as it’s not listening!
• counter any negativity or contradictions - phrase this as: I understand why you feel that way but I disagree, for example xyz.
  Or: earlier you said A, when you just said B - which is it?

negativity

when people are struggling a bit they often start slagging themselves off - I used to do this constantly back in the day - but it’s not a great idea, it just makes you feel worse. I don’t really understand how this counterintuitive thing happens (something to do with guilt/shame and them being literally addictive?)
Anyway obviously don’t tell anyone to STFU, but do provide a gentle counter balance.

Provide counter examples like - “actually you’re really strong, remember when you did <this>?”
Or - “Well I don’t think you’re stupid at all, and we all make mistakes - and you were tired/stressed/etc”

other questions you can ask:

• do you really believe that?
• so it sounds like you have two options - <bad idea> and <good idea> ?
• and how did that feel?
• have they always been like that?
• why do you think they acted like that?
• how much of an awesome genius am I for doing this listening thing?

(no, not the last one)

If you’re not sure what else to say, say something like: “thanks for sharing 😊” - someone just opened up to you which means they trust you - what an honour :)

summing up:

• listen using your ears
• keep quiet as much as possible
• phrase anything you do say as a question

Listening does take a bit of practice (well it did for me anyway), but it’s really fun when you get the hang of it. When I’m tired I’m worser at listening, it also means I ramble more (less filtering). Sleep is sooo important.

difficulties

If someone is finding it hard to open up about something you’ll need to wait until they’re ready. This could happen because they’re Most Emotionally Needy (M.E.N.), or it’s too painful to face, etc
You could try getting them drunk (lol, optional), or asking questions, building trust.
In the meantime you’ll just have to be there.

how to be there

• exist
• be present

I’ve actually used these radical techniques that a lot of people have known about since like, forever

a friend was really low last year and now they think I’m some kind of super nice supportive person because I did this Listening™ thing. Cool, huh? 😃
They’re also much better now, so maybe I was part of that. Yay.
And I get to boast about it now in blog posts! How unhumble is that?! 😆

Have YOU tried any of these radical techniques?
Anything you can contribute?