I’ve mentioned this before. But let’s go over in more detail. What role does ego play in live coding? What do we need to be careful of?

I’ve admitted that ego is a driver for me - to put energy into making events happen, and also to get on stage and perform. I see this as a positive thing - as long as I make sure that isn’t what it’s only about and that I don’t neglect the needs of others.
Which is also an ego thing - if I boost others it creates a healthy thriving scene that I can be part of and benefit from. Which is also good.

But what is ego?

well, these days if you want to be technical about it, it’s a folk psychology term for an emotive drive that motivates our actions.
If you wanted to go really scientific you could say the anatomic equivalent is something like the amygdala - where emotions are expressed and mediated?
I’m no expert (I don’t believe in experts either).
The amygdala is something we can’t function without. We wouldn’t even be able to safely cross the road without it. It’s also where we can experience difficulties - it can become atrophied (weakened) which leads to overload - something termed hijack when it has a disproportionate response.
That’s about the limit of how much I can tell you.

egotistical

This commonly describes when someone honours their ego at the expense of others. Which can lead to bad decisions and irrational behaviour.

ego in live coding

I recently released an album of live coded music. You probably heard about it. Of course this was partly motivated by ego, although mainly by a need for self-expression and a desire to give.
Which is kinda arrogant in a way, that an artist would decide on their terms what people should receive.
The process was also an emotional journey - I was putting my ego on the line. How would it be received?

Thankfully I received a lot of positive comments, several people bought it, some paying as much as £20.
Which helps motivate me to do more and of course keeps my ego happy.
There were a couple of slightly odd comments, and a few omissions.
Some people whose work I have been supportive of were silent. A few friends with +2k followers didn’t share it on masto which would have been really helpful. I don’t know why that is.
Maybe they just didn’t like it, and didn’t say anything so as not to upset me. My ego wouldn’t have been so happy about that, although hearing genuine responses can help shape choices going forward in positive ways, so I try to be open to listen. I also definitely only expect a small proportion of the general populous to be into it.
Maybe they didn’t see it or were too busy/distracted to listen. This is really common and I often forget to listen to music too. I try to be generally yay about people sharing things nonetheless.

sidebar:
People have busy lives and are often overwhelmed by the onslaught of digital media via the web/apps/smartphones. So it is perfectly reasonable to take extended periods out, I myself have restricted myself to viewing masto and group chats once a day as part of a renewed data diet. Which has been great.

Maybe they thought that I seem like I know what I’m doing and don’t need their help. For the record I have no idea what I’m doing and appreciate all the support I can get. Maybe they thought my ego is big enough already and doesn’t need to become bigger.
Maybe their own egos spoke to them - why should they boost my music and not turn to their own instead? If me releasing an album leads others to competitively make music then great? But I’m speculating here, I have no idea.

notice

See how I spent one sentence describing positives and several paragraphs ruminating on negatives. I probably shouldn’t have done that. It’s a natural thing to do though and my ego probably had some part in that too.

Let’s remedy that here -
I had a few lovely messages from friends saying they loved it or congratulating me. I try not to burden friends with this stuff as I don’t think you should expect friends to be fans. I sent it to those who it would be relevant to, due to their tastes or they’re also artists etc. Most listened.
Like I said, several people bought it on bandcamp and while it’s not enough overall to support me as an artist financially, it means a lot and every little helps.
The tracks were played over 400 times, (that’s each track plays, so I guess the whole album over thirty times) which is pretty good.
One friend enthusiastically said I should do an album launch party but I think that would be too much - the effort plus it’s too much ego for me.
Someone else wants to collab on a track, which would be really cool - fingers crossed.

so far

So far this post has mainly been about me and my ego. Something YOU can get from it is - do things for your ego - that’s fine. Don’t be afraid to put your ego on the line - I only got this far by egotistically subjecting people to all kinds of experimentation and error (mainly at emoms).
I’ve made a commitment to myself not to stop. I’m an artist and I’m going to continue and enjoy it as much as possible.
As always, your thoughts and responses are very welcome. So far I have added two responses to posts (verbatim) - that’s a 100% acceptance rate.

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